Casual Reviews – Dark Souls III

“Dark Souls III (9)” by Videogame Photography. CC2.0

Guys and gals, let me just say I’ve missed you all. I have moved through 4 time zones, a new climate, and 57 bonfires to bring you this casual review.

I like to change things up. I like reviewing games back-to-back that are different. As casual gamers, we are a very diverse group with specific casual needs and casual interests. Bloodborne was my last review before I moved, so the last thing I expected was to be in my new home reviewing Dark Souls III for your reading pleasure. I apologize. Somewhere between the Continental Divide and the East Coast I lost my way in a desire for something stable.

If you read my Bloodborne review, you’ll remember how I felt about FromSoftware’s Dark Souls series and you will join in my shock at discovering that…I can’t believe I’m saying this…Dark Souls III was my rock. My comfort food.

Let’s dig in, shall we?

Environment

When looking around the environment of Dark Souls III, it’s difficult not to quote the most wholesome man on earth, known as Donald Trump: “What the hell is going on???” Embers, cinders, estus flasks, estus shards, bone shards, titanite shards…just about everything has a shard. There’s a handful of very depressed, cryptic-speaking NPCs to invite to your firelink shrine, and interacting with them is not unlike having your first tamagotchi pet. Many of them will end up dead at various times and it’s rather unclear why. 

Casual Reviews – Bloodborne

“Bloodborne Soundtrack Release Date Confirmed” by BagoGames. CC2.0

Settle in with some hot cocoa, a blanket, your significant other (if applicable), and hang with me for a bit. This one got long quick…I apologize.

As a casual gamer, there are games I am…apprehensive to partake in. Games so deep in the underbelly of the gaming world that only the hardcore/elite can digest them without developing gaping ulcers in their pride. I had heard of FromSoftware…I planned to tell my casual gaming children bedtime stories about FromSoftware some day, to keep them from misbehaving.

My first experience was when I crashed with a few guys and gals I didn’t know (it’s a long story). One couple, dressed in all black, tattered clothes, with metal skulls, dragon pendants, and crosses adorning different parts of their bodies, was cuddled in the living room playing a video game. Common ground, right? Wrong…so wrong. The girl offered me the controller. I took it from her black nail polished hands. I smiled confidently. I had just made a friend.

I proceeded to die more times than I knew possible in a video game.

The game was Dark Souls. The mere mention of Dark Souls causes me to retreat as I mutter, “I am not worthy…I am not worthy.”

Enter my wife.

Casual Reviews – Fallout 4

“Let’s Stick Together” by DigitalEpicness. CC1.0

Once I watched a movie that is viewed by many as a classic. A monumental moment in cinema history. It involves spaceships…I like spaceships. It involves an excellent score…I like soundtracks. It involves a rogue robot…done. Sold. Take me on this epic adventure! Bring it!

Almost three hours later, I had finished a mostly silent film whose pace rivals that of the most terrifying creature on planet earth…the sloth. Not to mention, a giant space baby.

2001: A Space Odyssey left me feeling very lost, with little connection to the characters. It was long and I didn’t care about most of the scenes, beautiful as they were.

Fallout 4 has done the impossible. It has recreated this experience and expanded it to 30-40 hours of main-story-only gameplay.

Casual Reviews – Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon

Warning: The following trailer is NSFW…and NSFBC (Not Safe For Brain Cells)

Sometimes you just know when something is Right. I’m talking about truth in its purest, most basic form. Right with a capital R. It’s explicit. You don’t have to think about it.

Bacon? Correct…bacon is good, bacon is Right.

James Earl Jones is Darth Vader…that is Right.

Staying in the Star Wars universe, you know this one is coming…Han shoots first. That is Right.

S’mores at a campfire…can’t be more Right.

Sean Bean dies…Right.

Donald Trump would never have support to become the President of the United States…hahaha that is so Right I can’t…hehehe…believe my brain even came up with that notion. He he…I mean am I right or am…I…I can’t…wow, sorry guys but I’m a little choked up. *sniffle* Let me get a new keyboard. The saltwater from my tears for my nation corroded this one.

Anyway, Far Cry in cheesy 80’s form? Yes please.

Casual Reviews – King’s Quest Chapter 1: A Knight to Remember

“Worthy of the Crown – King’s Quest Chapter 1: A Knight To Remember Review” by BagoGames. CC2.0

King’s Quest made me feel like a kid again. That sounds great at first, but think back to being a kid for a second. Think about choices you made, things that seemed so important at the time…the games you played over and over again because you had no other options.

That’s the kid King’s Quest awoke inside me.

If you can’t relate to that inner child, then you either grew up in a rich family with guardians that didn’t restrict your games, or you just didn’t play video games. In either case, I just can’t comprehend you.

Environment

Graphically the game is similar to The Walking Dead/Borderlands with a dash of Disney design. It looks good, and will certainly age more gracefully than others. The world is very Disney, with goofy characters and childish jokes, and the story is…the story is much like this post…uninspired. I am having such a hard time writing this because I don’t know really what to say about it. You play as a dude who wants to be a knight and must pass a bunch of tests by solving puzzles. It’s great…if you’re a kid who has no other gaming options.

The honest truth is…your character is a douchemiester.

Casual Reviews – The Walking Dead: Season 2

“TellTale’s The Walking Dead Is Coming To Current Gen This Month” by BagoGames. CC2.0

I have never played anything by Telltale Games. Having to pay per episode really…really…really turns me off. Buying episodic games is like buying an EA game before the inevitable DLC (a.k.a. full game) bundle comes out next year for the same price. I have refused to dip my toe into those impure waters.

Then, in the month of November, PS+ decided that Season 2 of The Walking Dead would be free. Season 1 was also placed on discount…I see you Sony…I see what you did there, you cheeky turds.

Thankfully my back pocket is stitched together with a will of iron. Instead of succumbing to the temptation…I began Season 2, allowing choices from the first season to be generated.

Casual Reviews – P.T.

“TGS: Scare Easy? Maybe Stay Away From Silent Hills” by BagoGames. CC2.0

I love fall. The colors, the bite in the air, the turkey homicide, and football. But the true reason I love fall is that it represents the holidays, the first of which is almost here. So let’s do a quick Halloween review. Halloween means it’s time for my wife and I to pull out the best of creepy (or creppy/spoopy) and binge it all. Silence of the Lambs, Let the Right One In, John Carpenter’s The Thing…but one item that will be missing is a little demo that hit the PSN sometime last year. A demo that I believe earned a right to have its own review.

Casual Reviews – Destiny: The Taken King

“Destiny” by Dani-MIB. CC2.0

Everyone, I have a confession to make. I haven’t been writing anything new. I haven’t been playing anything “new.” I haven’t been doing anything new. In fact, I don’t smell very new. I have been rotting away on my couch spending hours playing…something…something I’m ashamed of.

Normally, I would be excited to tell everyone about a game that is capable of turning me into a junkie jonesing for his next fix, but this time it’s a little awkward. This is because The Taken King is a DLC for a game I previously called out for drowning in mediocrity and laziness, with zero ambition.

Unfortunately, I am now the one who is mediocre and lazy, with no ambition outside of gaining the next bit of loot from The Taken King. The joke is on me…sort of…

Casual Reviews – inFAMOUS: Second Son

“inFAMOUS Second Son (33)” by Videogame Photography. CC2.0

When I first started this blog, this was initially going to be my second review…ha..haha..ha…get it? Get it? Wow, that sucked. Seriously, I can’t come up with anything better to start this review…like the protagonist, this game has leached any small amount of talent I have.

The reason I haven’t gotten to this game review till now is I really don’t care. I wanted to care. The first inFAMOUS was decent, and the story just managed to scream loud enough to be heard over the hoards of linear, action/adventure, methodical, everyday games. L.A.M.E. games for short. I was hoping with the next generation of consoles, improved in-game storytelling techniques, and decent foundation, Second Son would usher the PS4 into the next generation with a bang.

Instead, much like Star Wars: Episodes I through III…aka “the abominations of the earth” spoken of in the book of Revelations chapter 17, it was the first of many next gen games able to exploit its past success to earn income while hardly trying.

Casual Reviews – ilomilo

There isn’t much that makes me miss my Xbox 360. I’m not trying to single out Xbox here, I’d say the same thing for my PS3. When I move to next gen I like to leave the old ones behind. Not that I can this gen with the past simply being remastered and placed back in front of me. Don’t believe me?

Announced Remasters:

• Gears of War: Ultimate Edition
• Castle Crashers Remastered
• Tearaway Unfolded
• Uncharted: The Nathan Drake Collection
• Dishonored: Definitive Edition
• Final Fantasy VII
• Darksiders II: Deathinitive Edition
• Day of the Tentacle: Special Edition
• Resident Evil Zero HD Remaster

Released Remasters:

• God of War III Remastered
• Prototype Biohazard Bundle
• Devil May Cry 4: Special Edition
• Payday 2: Crimewave Edition
• Final Fantasy X/X-2 Remaster
• State of Decay: Year One Survival Edition
• Dark Souls II: Scholar of the First Sin
• Borderlands: The Handsome Collection
• Final Fantasy Type-0 HD
• Devil May Cry: Definitive Edition
• Grim Fandango Remastered
• Saints Row IV: Re-Elected
• Grand Theft Auto V
• Halo: The Master Chief Collection
• The Binding of Isaac Rebirth
• Bayonetta
• Sleeping Dogs: Definitive Edition
• Metro Redux
• Diablo III: Ultimate Evil Edition
• The Last of Us Remastered
• Oddworld: New N’ Tasty
• Tomb Raider: Definitive Edition

Anyway, remasters are a different topic for a different blog. I miss my Xbox 360. The reason…

ilomilo.

Environment 

My friends, I’ve been writing paragraphs for the past two hours and I simply cannot explain the environment of ilomilo. Cuteness on this level is indescribable, unconscionable, and should be made illegal. This game will murder you with cute.